If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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