oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
