i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just want nice things and good sex
Is Oprah even human
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
