I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize