sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Randomize
