i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
