??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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