Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
