I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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