fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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