Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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