im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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