I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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