Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
