Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
