We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
