Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
