I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
