I am spending my child support on dildos
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Found your dick twin last night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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