Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
