Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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