Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
