Hey man sorry I got all grabby
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
