Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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