just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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