that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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