I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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