one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
