I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
