ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
