Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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