So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
