mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
