You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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