I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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