So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
