i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
