dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize