He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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