can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
