I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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