it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
