my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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