Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You dont lie about slip and slides
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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