you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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