Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Randomize
