So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
