There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize