The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
