This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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