don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
