so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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