she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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